domestic violence quiz; domestic violence chart

117 questions to help you know if your partner is abusive and assess your risk

Recognize Abusive Behavior

Recognizing abusive behavior can be difficult, especially if healthy relationships weren’t modeled in your childhood home. You may believe that love hurts—it doesn’t in healthy relationships.

Take this domestic violence quiz to learn whether you are being abused and then read about what you can do about it.

Domestic violence and abuse manifest in many ways. In some cases, abuse becomes progressively worse. In other cases, it is just habitual, but it tears the victim down over time and greatly reduces their quality of life. Abuse can be life-threatening. Growing up in an abusive home and witnessing abuse can lead to life-long damage to your children’s health.

Abuse comes in many forms. The following questions represent different types of abuse from mild to dangerous. For each question, indicate whether the behavior is present in your current relationship.

Disrespectful of your intelligence, appearance, or activities
1Does your partner put you down in front of other people?  Yes  No
2Does your partner put you down in front of your children?  Yes  No
3Does your partner put you down when you are alone with him or her?  Yes  No
4Does your partner demean your accomplishments or goals?  Yes  No
5Does your partner tell you that you are not good enough?  Yes  No
6Does your partner tell you that you’re lucky to have him or her in your life because no one else would want you?  Yes  No
7Does your partner criticize your appearance, including your weight?  Yes  No
8Does your partner tell you that parts of your body are “too big” or “too small”?  Yes  No
9Does your partner verbally attack you because you have not been able to conceive or father a child?  Yes  No
10Does your partner insult you by calling you derogatory names?  Yes  No

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Is your partner controlling?
11Does your partner want you to provide an accounting for all your time when you are not together?  Yes  No
12Does your partner insist you share the details of your private conversations with friends?  Yes  No
13Does your partner want to know where you are every second of the day?
14Does your partner get upset if you get home late from work late?
Say no if your partner is upset only because of worry for your safety.
  Yes  No
15Does your partner attempt to limit who you talk to at work or school?  Yes  No
16Does your partner attempt to limit who you talk to outside of work?  Yes  No
17Does your partner insist that you follow rigid gender roles that you do not want to follow?  Yes  No
18Does your partner attempt to keep you away from friends or family?  Yes  No
19Does your partner insist he or she has a right to your social media and email account passwords?  Yes  No
20Does your partner insist that you respond right away to texts, emails, or phone calls?  Yes  No
21Does your partner become upset or berate you if you do not respond right away when he or she attempts to communicate electronically?  Yes  No
22Does your partner prevent, discourage, or make it difficult for you to go to work or school?  Yes  No
23Does your partner attempt to limit your interactions with people of the gender you find sexually attractive?  Yes  No
24Does your partner demand that you wear your hair or make-up a certain way?  Yes  No
25Does your partner dictate the types of clothes you can wear?  Yes  No
26Does your partner portray your life together as “the two of you against the world”?  Yes  No

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Jealous, Controlling, or Angry Behavior
27Does your partner accuse you of cheating even though you are faithful?  Yes  No
28Does your partner act very jealous?  Yes  No
29Does your partner have a quick temper?  Yes  No
30Do you try to be careful about how you say things because your partner’s temper explodes if he or she takes your words the wrong way?  Yes  No
31Is it difficult to avoid saying something that causes your partner’s temper to cause a problem?  Yes  No
32Does your partner control the money in your relationship?  Yes  No
33Do you have to ask permission to buy basic necessities even though there is plenty of money?  Yes  No
34Has your partner demanded that you do not make more money than he or she makes?  Yes  No
35Does your partner make you do things you do not want to do for money?  Yes  No
36Does your partner make you turn over your paycheck to him or her?  Yes  No
37Has your partner threatened you about gaining weight or having a baby?
Examples: If you get pregnant, I will leave you.
If you get fat, I will leave you.
  Yes  No
38Does your partner control whether you take medicine or birth control?  Yes  No
39Does your partner’s anger frighten you?  Yes  No
40Does your partner interfere with your ability to see a doctor or dentist when you feel you should, or for regular checkups?  Yes  No
41Will your partner become angry if you spend $100 without getting your partner’s permission first?  Yes  No
42Does your partner try to control what you eat?
Say no if your partner is only encouraging you to follow your doctor’s advice.
  Yes  No
43Does your partner decide what you can and cannot wear?  Yes  No
44Can you buy your own clothes and choose what you want to buy because you like it and not because it is what your partner expects?  Yes  No
45Does your partner threaten to harm him or herself when you get in an argument or when you discuss leaving the relationship?  Yes  No
46Does your partner threaten to call the police and lie to them if you don’t do what your partner wants you to do?  Yes  No
47Does your partner threaten your reputation if you don’t go along with what your partner wants you to do?  Yes  No
48Does your partner insist you join him or her in illegal activities that you do not want to be part of?  Yes  No
49Withhold money or affection (including sex) if you don’t comply with his or her controlling demands?  Yes  No
50Do you feel pressured to give up things you enjoyed before you had this relationship?  Yes  No
51Does your life feel smaller in this relationship than it did before you were in the relationship?  Yes  No
52Has your partner threatened to abduct your children if you do not comply with your partner’s demands?  Yes  No
53Has your partner stopped you from calling 911 for help or threatened you with retaliation if you called 911?  Yes  No
54Does your partner show up unexpectedly to check up on you? (i.e. dropping by work when you are on your lunch break without notice?)  Yes  No
55Does your partner do things to “teach you a lesson”?  Yes  No
56Does your partner try to make you responsible for how they act?  Yes  No
57Has your partner restrained you against your will, physically or with threats?  Yes  No
58Does your partner attempt to control who you remain in contact with from your past?  Yes  No
59Does your partner act as if he or she owns you?  Yes  No
60Does your partner treat you like a child instead of like an equal partner?  Yes  No

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Physically hurting or threatening to hurt you or loved ones and violent acts
61Does your partner threaten to hurt you?  Yes  No
62Does your partner threaten to hurt your children?  Yes  No
63Does your partner threaten to harm your pets?  Yes  No
64Does your partner threaten to harm your co-workers, friends, or extended family members?  Yes  No
65Does your partner hurt you physically including hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting you?  Yes  No
66Does your partner use or threaten to use a weapon to harm you or your loved ones, including pets?  Yes  No
67Has your loved one harmed a pet?  Yes  No
68Does your partner have a gun or can your partner get one easily?  Yes  No
69Does your partner ever say, “If I can’t have you, then no one can”?  Yes  No
70Does your partner ever say they couldn’t live without you?  Yes  No
71Has your partner ever choked you?  Yes  No
72Has your partner threatened to destroy things you care about?  Yes  No
73Has your partner destroyed things that belong to you?  Yes  No
74Has your partner put a fist through a door or wall?  Yes  No
75Has your partner ever used a weapon against you or threatened you with a weapon?  Yes  No
76Has he/she ever threatened to kill you or your children?  Yes  No
77Has your partner ever talked about getting revenge against someone and using lethal force (killing them) as something he or she wants to do?  Yes  No

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Forcing you to have sex or other intimate activities

78Has your partner forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to with physical force or by threatening you if you do not have sex?  Yes  No
79Has your partner assumed that because you did something in the past, they can expect or demand you do it again even if you do not want to?  Yes  No
80Does your partner become angry if you refuse sex after being willing to kiss and cuddle?  Yes  No
81Has your partner forced you to have sex with other people by threatening you or your loved ones?  Yes  No
82Has your partner demanded that you or a female child undergo female genital cutting or mutilation?  Yes  No

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How does the relationship make you feel?
83Do you feel relieved when you are going to be away from your partner for a while?  Yes  No
84Do you feel relieved when someone who positively buffers your relationship visits?  Yes  No
85Do you dread going home after school or work?  Yes  No
86Do you have more good times than bad times when you are with your partner?  Yes  No
87Are you afraid of your partner?  Yes  No
88Do you feel you can be yourself when you are with your partner or do you have to pretend to be who your partner wants you to be?  Yes  No
89Can you safely be honest with your partner about how you feel and what you want?  Yes  No
90Do you feel foolish to find yourself in an uncomfortable relationship?  Yes  No
91Has your partner’s behavior changed significantly from the way it was in the beginning of the relationship?  Yes  No
92Are you embarrassed about being tricked into a relationship that isn’t good for you?  Yes  No
93Does your partner blame you for negative changes in their personality or behavior?  Yes  No
94Do you feel unwanted?  Yes  No
95Do you feel powerless or hopeless?  Yes  No
96Does your partner use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for his or her behavior?  Yes  No
97Do you feel you have to apologize or make excuses to other people about your partner’s rude behavior?  Yes  No
98Are you continually afraid of upsetting your partner?  Yes  No
99Do you feel ashamed of your situation?  Yes  No
100Do you feel guilty about not seeing the warning signs of an abuser before it was too late?  Yes  No
101Do you feel used?  Yes  No
102Do you feel your partner manipulates you or attempts to manipulate you?  Yes  No
103Do you feel free to be yourself?  Yes  No
104Has your partner’s treatment of you made you feel less competent to make decisions or in areas of your life where you used to feel confident?  Yes  No
105Have you changed your behavior because you are afraid of upsetting your partner?  Yes  No
106Have you become more aggressive toward your partner’s demands?  Yes  No
107Do you think your partner might try to kill you?  Yes  No
108Have you become passive or submissive to your partner?  Yes  No
109Do you stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner might do if you end the relationship?  Yes  No
110Has your partner made you believe that their behavior will be good when you change the things about yourself that your partner wants you to change?  Yes  No
111Has your partner abandoned you without a way home after you had a fight?  Yes  No
112Has your partner abandoned you in an environment where a reasonable person would be concerned about your ability to get home safely?  Yes  No
113Does your partner deny that something you remember ever happened?  Yes  No
114Does your partner tell you that you aren’t good at remembering?
  Yes  No
115Did your partner grow up in an abusive home?  Yes  No
116Does your partner tell you that you’re crazy?  Yes  No
117Is your partner’s recall of events different from your own in significant ways?  Yes  No

Scoring the Quiz

Healthy human relationships vary greatly. There isn’t one type of relationship that is right for everyone. However, your relationship should feel good to you and if it doesn’t, something is wrong. This quiz is designed to help you determine if the problem is that you are in an abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships vary. An abusive relationship may be something that can be fixed with better communication or couples counseling. It may be so bad that your life is in danger and the best thing you can do is get help and get out, even if all you take are the clothes on your back and your children.

Let’s look at relationships where the risk of serious harm is high.

Did you answer YES to ANY of the following questions?

66Does your partner use, or threaten to use a weapon to harm you or your loved ones, including pets?
71Has your partner ever choked you?
76Has he/she ever threatened to kill you or your children?
107Do you think your partner might try to kill you?

If you answered YES to ANY of the above questions, you should immediately contact the domestic violence hotline and speak with a trained counselor. A yes to any of the above questions means you are in a high risk category. It does not mean you will be harmed. It means your risk is much higher than if all four questions were answered no.

The following seven questions and the Supplemental questions below are a second way to assess whether you are in a high risk situation. Answer the supplemental questions. Then count how many questions you answered yes to in the following section and in the Supplemental question section. If either section has four yes responses, or the combination of the two sections has five or more yes responses, it indicates you are in a high risk situation.

Did you answer Yes to FOUR of the following questions?
13Does your partner want to know where you are every second of the day?
19Does your partner insist he or she has a right to your social media and email account passwords?
21Does your partner become upset or berate you if you do not respond right away when he or she attempts to communicate electronically?
22Does your partner prevent, discourage, or make it difficult for you to go to work or school?
28Does your partner act very jealous?
33Do you have to ask permission to buy basic necessities even though there is plenty of money?
68Does your partner have a gun or can your partner get one easily?

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Supplemental Questions

Would you answer Yes to FOUR of the following questions?

Or

A combination of FIVE of these (13, 19, 21, 22, 28, 33, or 68) and the questions below?

iHave you left your partner or separated after living together or being married?  Yes  No
iiIs your partner unemployed?  Yes  No
iiiHas your partner ever tried to kill himself or herself?  Yes  No
ivDo you have a child or children with your partner?  Yes  No
vDo you have a child that your partner knows is not his or her child?  Yes  No
viHas your partner been physical toward the child(ren) in a way that concerns you?  Yes  No
viiDoes your partner have an alcohol or substance abuse problem?  Yes  No
viiiIs there anything else that worries you about your safety?  Yes  No

If you are in a high risk situation you should contact the domestic violence hotline as soon as it is safe and talk to a trained counselor. Being in a high risk category does not mean you will be harmed. It means your risk is much higher than if fewer questions were answered yes.

The call to a domestic violence hotline is free. If your cell phone is being monitored or you suspect it is being monitored, use a different phone or use a landline.

Assign the following number to each yes answer in the 117 question quiz as follows:

Question #ScoreQuestion #ScoreQuestion #ScoreQuestion #Score
12315615912
23324625922
31335635933
41342645942
53355655953
63365665965
72373675973
82385684985
92395695992
1024057051002
1124147151012
1224237241023
132433735103(-5)
14244(-3)7441044
1534547551054
1634647651062
1724747741075
1844857851082
1934947941095
2025048041103
2135138051114
2255258251125
2325358331134
2435448431144
2525558531153
26356386(-3)1165
2725758751174
284585882
29459589(-4)
305602902

The questions are to help you identify areas of your relationship that may be abusive. They are helpful in identifying whether your relationship has mild problems that couples counseling could effectively resolve if you were both willing to seek help with open hearts and minds. They are also helpful in identifying when the relationship has serious issues that may indicate separation or divorce is the safest course of action.

The highest (worst) score possible is 410. Regardless of your score, trust your instincts/gut and if you feel you are in danger, make a plan to escape safely as soon as you can. Domestic violence can lead to life threatening danger.

Number of Yes AnswersLevel

Do not count questions 44, 86, 89, and 103 as they are reverse scored.

Count:
Possible: 0 – 2
1Statistically, your marriage could be non-abusive with a little bit of work.
Count:
Possible: 0 – 26
2If you have yes answers to level 1 and 2 questions, and no yes’s to level 3 – 5 questions, there are abuses in the relationship. Your danger level should be low. If not corrected and you remain in the relationship, you and your children are likely to experience detrimental impacts. The higher the score, the more likely you are to experience negative effects. Explore your options.
Count:
Possible: 0 – 23
3If you have yes answers to level 3, there are significant warning signs that indicate you should take action to protect yourself from a potentially dangerous situation. If you enter a stressful period, even if it is because of something unrelated to your marriage, your situation could quickly become worse. At a minimum, seek counseling and/or talk to the hotline.
Count:
Possible: 0 – 23    
4If there are any level 4 yes answers, your partner is attempting to isolate and control you which is often a sign that increasingly severe abuse may occur. You should contact the hotline for assistance and consider a separation until your partner receives counseling and makes an honest effort to be a supportive partner for at least six months—preferably longer.
Possible: 0 – 40 Count:51 or more – Contact the hotline as soon as you safely can.

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Whether or not your partner agrees to couples counseling, you may want to consider individual counseling. Being abused can contribute to anxiety or depression and lower important protective psychological traits such as self-esteem. Mental health professionals can help you feel better faster. Self-compassion is also important as it is associated with faster recoveries.

If you are in doubt about what you want to do and the decisions you want to make about how you want to live your life, ask yourself if each of the types of behavior you are experiencing is how you want to live your life. Focus on your own well-being and that of your children.

Children who witness domestic violence experience numerous problems that can last throughout their lives and lead to a repeat of the cycle of abuse. If your children witnessed you being abused, it is very important that you nurture them and seek counseling for them to give them a chance at the best possible future.

Abusive relationships are not healthy and they involve risk to your life and mental and physical health. Most abusers (30 – 60% depending on which study you read) also abuse children in the home.

There are other factors that have a bearing on whether an abuser will escalate the abuse.

domestic violence quiz; hotline for abuse

 

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